Burger King gives you gas and now they don't have any. All because of a 13cm crack.

Also we are going to run out of Weet Bix and children can't go swimming meaning that we will all become obese and the mortality rate will increase dramatically.

Worst of all the increase in bodies will become an even greater problem because no one will be able to be cremated meaning large funeral pyres will need to be erected in all major cities diverting traffic and causing even more disruption.

Just as well though as the rivers will be a coagulated yoghurty, mouldy cheesy consistency from all of the dumped Fonterra milk so there will be nowhere to scatter people’s ashes.

The increase in smoke will erase all of our carbon credits and the country will be bankrupt.

Cows will spontaneously combust from a lack of milking meaning they are unfit for human consumption.

Cheese and Jelly Tips will become a black-market commodity.

Another reason to not read the newspaper.

Image: Courtesy Peter Peryer

Gas | Dispatch